She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
