My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
