I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize