I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
