my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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