I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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