And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize