hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
