I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
