And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
