My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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