if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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