went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So. Much. Porn.
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