Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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