Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
