Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
