worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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