hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We left the knife in your bed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
