My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
