Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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