Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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