My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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