I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
