Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So much Jack, so little girl.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
