Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
