I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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