idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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