he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
two words...techno handjob
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
