dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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