I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
