Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize