There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
we should paint friendship bongs
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