Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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