Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
nutella sex= disaster
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
