I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize