Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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