You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
