There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
