Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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