Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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