i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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