Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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