We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
