I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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