friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize