I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
