wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
