I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
