I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
