eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize