9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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