i love accidental penises.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
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