Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
