Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
