Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
