jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
