went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
