I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
