genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
